Wednesday 5 September 2012

Congratulations on coming out as a cyclist hating wanker!


This is just to congratulate you for coming out as a cyclist hater, or as is known in the cycling community "a selfish wanker"!

Coming out as this publicly is a bold move -and one you can't go back from- so we congratulate you for your bold decision!

Some people may have suspected you were an "in the closet" selfish cyclist hating wanker before now. Cyclists may have waved their hands up and down in the international gesture of this as you drove past them too close!

They may also have videoed your bad driving, stuck it up on youtube -and maybe even reported it to the police. Why not enter your registration number without any spaces into google and see if this is the case? If you have been videoed, don't be offended -all it does is show the world what a wanker you are -which is something to be proud of!

Now that you've come out, what can you do?

1. Watch Top Gear and believe everything Jeremy Clarkson says! He is "the wanker's wanker" -though the fact that he gets paid so much for saying the same stuff you say must be very frustrating.

2. Join a "wanker's rights group"! The Association of British Drivers is its public name -but it is nothing but cyclist-hating wankers!

3. Complain that the government is waging a "war on the motorist"! It takes longer to drive round the UK than it did twenty years ago -back when there was only half as many cars.

4. Drive up behind bicycles and sound your horn repeatedly! If you were already doing this -and perhaps have been videoed doing this- carry on. Do remember to put your phone down when you do this, as the police may get the videos.

5. Join "wankers pride" events! These are when lots of selfish cycle hating wankers get together in places where there are no bicycles, and hold sit down protests. These happen on the motorways near all our big cities, twice a day. Now that you have come out, spend some time on the M25, M4, M5/M6 interchange or somewhere else where you can be confident there will be no cyclists in the way.

6. Consider a career in politics! Most politicians are wankers. The UKIP is the best party for hating cyclists -theirs was the only manifesto who came out against them.

7. Consider a career as a taxi or minicab driver! Many of these are wankers. You will be able to spend time with other wankers complaining about bicycles.

8. Write letters to your local newspaper -or even become a reporter there! Regional newspapers only get read by a small number of people, but as most of them are wankers over sixty that vote for the UKIP they'll like to read it.

9. Shout it out to the world. Don't just declare it on twitter, shout out to passers by that you are wanker!

There are lots of other things you could do now that you have come out on twitter, so be bold!

Now that you have come out there is no going back!

Talking Points

Here are some things to use as arguments against cyclists to back up your opinions!

1. Do say: they pay no road tax!
Don't say: it's a car tax and all Class A vehicles pay nothing -by the same logic Fiat 500s and Toyota Prius's shouldn't be on the road either..

2. Do say: they don't have the right to be there!
Don't say: they have a legal right, and as roads are paid for from general and council tax, they pay for them too!

3. Do say: they hold up cars and cause congestion and pollution!
Don't say: congestion and pollution are caused by fat-arsed wankers in cars

4. Do say: they need insurance!
Don't say: cars need insurance because of the damage they can cause, and 20% of London's cars are still uninsured!

5. Do say: cyclists are lawbreaking criminals!
Don't say: most drivers break the speed limit!

6. Do say: cyclists jump red lights!
Don't say: driving into the Advanced Stop Lane on a red light is technically jumping a red light -and carries the same penalty!

7. Do say: cyclists cycling two abreast hold me up!
Don't say: it's legal to cycle two abreast, and if you were to pass a single-file cyclist with safe clearance you'd need to change lanes anyway!

8. Do say: cyclists are required to get out of the way of cars -not ride in the middle of the road!
Don't say: the Department for Transport actually recommend this (legal) position to stop cars trying to squeeze you off the road!

9. Do say: cyclists must use cycle lanes!
Don't say: most cycle lanes are blocked by wankers parked in them, and those that aren't are usually shit!

10. Do say: cyclists endanger pedestrians!
Don't say: all but the odd pedestrian every few years are killed by cars and HGVs!

11. Do say: helmets should be made compulsory!
Don't say: helmets do fuck all when an HGVs driven by an blind driver on the phone turns left over them!

12. Do say: cyclists wear lycra!
Dont' say: lots people wear replica football shirts that look even dafter when they are that fucking fat and unfit.

Your arguments don't have to hold up! These are "politician" arguments, not "scientist" arguments. Talking bollocks is OK as long as you repeat your message regularly and consistently!

Otherwise -now that you've come out, carry on! Cyclists are the only group of people that you can publicly hate now that the the EU and human rights gits have made abusing people for being gay, black, brown, foreign, traveller, disabled, muslim or some other minority group! Make use of that luxury while it lasts!

Finally: avoid making threats on twitter to run cyclists over or teach them a lesson!

That looks really bad when you do decide to teach one a lesson by running them over -it makes it look like a premeditated action, so the police may actually do something about it!

1 comment:

  1. This discourse is too long, as are some of the
    multi- syllable words, for the average thick-as-a-brick tossers at which it is aimed. I doubt they have the attention span to appreciate it. The inclusion of a few topless page 3 models might help.